Boring Girls Club

I’ve been a bad, bad girl.

Guess who’s back on their bullshit!  This girl!  That’s right, I’m a bad, bad girl!  But not THAT kind of bad girl.  No, I’ve been the boring kind.  Not the kind you see movies about.  You know the movies I’m talking about; where some beautiful starlet is wild and fun and out of control.  And she makes mental illness look sexy until the final act of her bad girl struggle where her lips are a little chapped and her eyes a little too wide and kind of scary but still what someone might call “totally bangable.”  Yeah, that wasn’t me. I had food stains on my shirt, bags under my bloodshot eyes, and I didn’t move from my couch for so long it gave me back problems.  But I don’t think that makes for an entertaining movie.

I stopped taking my medications.  No real reason, except for that I missed a doctors appointment.  I forgot to put it in my calendar and then I missed it.  I got a note, basically a written wrap on the knuckles, from my doctor reminding me that I shouldn’t do that again and, if I could, please refrain from wasting their time.  Which I totally understood and felt guilty about.  So that guilt stopped me from making another (because they’ll see my name and think “that girl!  That stupid girl who wasted our time.  Look at this bullshit, wanting another appointment”) So then I ran out of pills. Then I kept eating foods (because, hey there substitute for medication and self esteem and friendship and love) and gained weight.  And I knew that all of these things meant I should get back on medication.  But I needed to lose weight so the doctor wouldn’t talk to me about how much I needed to lose weight.  Plus, they’ll know it’s been a while and that I stopped my meds when I shouldn’t have. So yes, I’ve been the unsexiest bad girl and I need to be punished with lectures about how I’ve let people down.  I’m a disappointment, daddy.  Sternly tell me how much I’ve disappointed you.  Am I doing this right?  I don’t think I’m doing this right.

I’m actually at a point now where I feel pretty good in terms of energy and getting things done.  And I’m not letting my entire life and relationships backslide so that I have to rebuild EVERYTHING.  But I can’t sleep at night.  The obsessive thought patterns are back and I’m having trouble making them be quiet.  (Side note:  why do my obsessive thoughts have to be about the general nature of death?  Why can’t it be mathematical equations or entertaining stories or brilliant articles or something that makes use of this broken brain bullshit?  It’s always so dreadfully, existentially boring).  I wish I had a legit reason for getting to this place again.  It would be easier.  But all I have are basically excuses for not doing the things I should be doing.  What can I say?  Broken-brain bullshit happens, I guess.  I’m trying not to hate myself too much which is not an easy feat for any of us.  We’re, all of us, olympic medalling experts in the self hating endurance event.  I guess the best thing to do is take stock of how better this time was vs. the last time and look at what I did right.  I didn’t completely fall back.  A minor slide into a dungheap is better than a headlong dive.  And it isn’t hopeless.  It’s just difficult.  But what life isn’t difficult, really?  Mine, by comparison, is relatively easy.  Just a minor bout with broken-brain bullshit.

Spring is here and everything seems to be in bloom now.  I was born in the spring so I’m a creature of rebirth, I guess.  Hopefully I don’t get reborn as the same thing.  Here’s to another sloughing off of the skin.  The next bad girl will be a little better.

I still don’t think I did this right.

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No Matter What Others Say, Love is Still Love

The following is in response to Larry Phillip’s Opinion column, “No Matter What Movies Say, Gay is Still Gay” published on Leader & Times Online.
 
What exactly are “traditional Christian values?”  Are they to judge and devalue others?  That doesn’t sound quite right to me.  And how much of Christianity revolves around sexuality and sexual behavior?  It seems to me that some are very focused on it.  But what does Jesus say about sex?  In the Bible, He talks about divorce and adultery (Matt. 5: 27-28, Mark 10: 11-12, Luke 16:18) and we know He frowns upon those things.  Jesus also talked about lusting after others so be careful with the temptations (Matt. 5: 27-28).  Outside of those things . . . well, there isn’t much else.  That isn’t to say that Jesus would or wouldn’t be alright with homosexuality (given when and where he came of age, he probably wouldn’t be).  But his teachings tell us nothing on the subject.  

Continue reading “No Matter What Others Say, Love is Still Love”

What We Talk About When We Talk About Self Care

What do you think of when you hear the words “self care?”  Do you think about spa days and mani/pedis?  Do you think about taking a little time out of the day to meditate and center?  Is it something you have to spend money on?  Or is it just some new fad being used as a marketing tool?  Self care can mean a variety of different things depending on who you are and what you need.   Continue reading “What We Talk About When We Talk About Self Care”

Oops, They Did It Again

Two years ago, around the same time this year, I was laid off from my job.  I had worked at the same company (albeit in several different roles) for 15 years when it happened.  I started when I was 19 and at the time I told myself it was only temporary.  Years down the line I was making decent money and had a good house and a nice car.  I lived very comfortably even if I wasn’t doing what I thought I wanted to do.  I liked the team I was with at the time;  we gelled so well and enjoyed working with each other.  I wasn’t even thinking of next steps for a career, really.  Continue reading “Oops, They Did It Again”

Corporate Meeting Notes – RE: Sexual Harassment

Hello!  We’re your HR team.  Thanks for having us at your year end meeting.  It’s been quite a year, hasn’t it.  And while there’s a lot going on outside of the workplace, we want you to know we’re also focused on what’s going on here.  Given the recent . . . spate of accusations that have been in the media, it’s a good time to revisit a certain topic.  Yes, today we’re going to talk about . . . refrigerator etiquette! Continue reading “Corporate Meeting Notes – RE: Sexual Harassment”

I Wish You Love

So the holidays (or holiDAZE, amirite?  Hahahahaha, I’m sorry) are rapidly approaching and in the past I’ve been blessed (#blessed) to have this be a happy, cherished time of the year.  I’ll admit right out that I’ve never really celebrated the religious aspects.  It’s never been the big draw for me.  Continue reading “I Wish You Love”

Tell Me Where is Depression Bred, in the Heart or in the Head?

I was lurking around the Twitterverse a little while back and wasting time, as is my want when work is slow and dull, when I saw a post of epically dumb proportions. Dumb tweets are nothing special: there are probably more of those than there are dust mites in our beds. However, l felt compelled to respond to this one in particular because it was a statement I had heard at several points in the past. Continue reading “Tell Me Where is Depression Bred, in the Heart or in the Head?”