Corporate Meeting Notes – RE: Sexual Harassment

Hello!  We’re your HR team.  Thanks for having us at your year end meeting.  It’s been quite a year, hasn’t it.  And while there’s a lot going on outside of the workplace, we want you to know we’re also focused on what’s going on here.  Given the recent . . . spate of accusations that have been in the media, it’s a good time to revisit a certain topic.  Yes, today we’re going to talk about . . . refrigerator etiquette!Ha ha!  Just kidding, thanks to Josh for that joke.  No, but seriously, we’re here to discuss Sexual Harassment in the workplace.  In light of recent events, we felt it would be best to put some updates on the usual rules.  So let’s dive right into the murky waters, ha ha, of the do’s and don’ts in the workplace.

Now, lets say that you have a meeting.  And you get to that meeting, Bob, and it’s just you and Karen over there.  Well, that’s a bit of a dangerous area, isn’t it?  So what should you do?  That’s right, Bob.  Go and get a few more people to be in that meeting.  To clarify, I’m not singling Bob out for any particular reason.  I’m sure he’s a great guy.  It’s as much for his protection as it is for Karen.  I mean, who can say what goes on in a room unless we have a multitude of people corroborating, am I right fellas?    

What’s that you say, Karen?  That you would be afraid to be in a room along with multiple men also?  Well, what rational woman wouldn’t be nowadays.  Have you seen the news, ha ha ha?  I kid, it’s been awful for a long time.  That’s why you should make sure to grab, at a minimum, two extra men and two extra women to be in that meeting.  They don’t even need to participate in the meeting.  They just need to make sure that they keep their eyes and ears peeled just in case anything is done or said that could potentially be legally actionable.

Let’s say, Tanya, that you find yourself getting some . . . “unwanted” attention from some of the men in the office.  Crude comments and suggestive behavior keep happening.  Is it your skirt drawing that attention?  Perhaps a blouse that’s just a little lower than it should be?  Well, you won’t have to worry about that anymore thanks to our all new dress code we’re rolling out!  That’s right, starting next week (pending a full legal review of what we can and cannot politely suggest you wear) we’re implementing a new code to help women out in the office.  Just . . . just so you know, it’s only for women.  So guys, feel free to keep on wearing those polos and khakis to work.  Business casual!

Alright, so lets say that a male employee is facing harassment from another male employee.  What should you do?  Anyone?  That’s right, Dave.  You punch him right in the face.  Or the throat.  The gut even!  You take him down any way you can find.  *Be advised, this will not work if you are a black, asian, latino, gay, or transgendered man.  It might lead to jail time or death so please do not do this.  

What’s that, Dave?  What if it’s a woman sexually harassing a male employee?  Isn’t that every man’s dream?  Ha ha ha ha!  I know, I know.  Phew!  Anyway, *IF* a male employee finds himself the target of sexual harassment from a female employee he can report her to us and we’ll . . . I don’t know.  Fire her or demote her or something.  Those situations are probably extremely rare though. 

Now, if there aren’t any other questions?  Of course.  Yes, Todd?  What about flirting in the workplace?  When it involves two people who don’t have any influence over the other persons career?  Well, I’ll tell you what we’ve discussed, Todd, and that is . . . NO.  JUST NO.  I mean, what the hell kind of question is that, Todd?  Can you flirt at work . . . are you kidding?  IT’S WORK.  I mean, aren’t you over 50 and married? You’re divorced?  Well, whatever.  No flirting.  We aren’t paying you to find your next ex wife here.  Just keep it friendly and get back to work.  Jesus, Todd.

Okay, everyone, it looks like we’re out of time here.  I know this has been brief and done solely to cover our asses so we provided little to no actual help on the topic but it’s all we’re legally obligated to do.  If you have any questions, feel free to shoot us an email and we’ll get back to you . . . as soon as we can.  And grab a donut on your way out, please.  You don’t want us eating all those by ourselves, do you?  Goodbye, New Years resolution, before it even starts!  Ha ha ha!  Is it lunchtime yet?  This was a waste of everyone’s time.

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