Boy, has it been a while since I’ve been on here. I’ve been busy finding myself (turns out I was hiding in the couch cushions the whole time (I’m so sorry for that, please forgive me)). And maybe it wasn’t that I was busy finding myself but finding my way through and maybe just a little bit afraid of all the things I wrote before. I even thought maybe I should just delete this and start all over with another blog but screw it. My habit of quitting things because they aren’t perfect is something I need to break.
So if you would be so kind, I’d like to re-introduce myself. My name is Erin. I’m thirty-(COUGH COUGH). I live in Arkansas but I’m originally from Kansas so I don’t have a charming accent or a gun. I am a pop culture nerd which means I prefer Star Wars to Star Trek and I can name any movie, movie star, or movie quote you need but complex math remains a mystery. And I have depression of the clinical variety.
I’m still struggling with admitting that last little bit to others and to myself. Am I sure, REALLY sure it’s not just a phase? Like, it’s only temporary, right? How long am I going to be in therapy? I won’t need meds forever, will I? Maybe I won’t. But maybe I will. Acceptance is a bitch (yes, Virginia, depression DOES exist and it totally sucks). Admitting my own flaws and faults is also a bitch. The biggest bitch of them all is admitting I have good qualities. I even hesitated typing good qualities but if I have to cop to one then I have to cop to the other.
I still have bad times but they’re easier to recognize and navigate. Admitting on here that I needed help was the biggest step I took in a journey that’s still ongoing. If I hadn’t typed it, I’m not sure I would have ever said it out loud. And asking for help – admitting you need help – is always the hardest part. The rest isn’t easy but that first step is a doozy.
I don’t think it gets said enough – needing help does not make you weak. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak. Being vulnerable when you’re at your worst is the hardest thing to do. So if someone happens to read this and you’re struggling, ask for help. Please. Trust me when I say, there are people who want to help.
Sometimes everything seems so fragile, like a dandelion out to seed. But then those seeds spread pretty far and wide and they are damned hard to kill off completely.
Was that deep and meaningful? Am I doing this correctly? Am I hip to the doings of the blog? Guess I’ll need to do this more often to get the hang of it. I’m back, fellow youths.